My 2022 bingo card was rather pathetic. When making predictions for the year, I didn’t list “tsunami,” primarily because it’s both a rare event and a difficult word to spell.
Nor did I have the invasion of Ukraine or something called “mpox” (previously known as monkeypox) that would seem scarier than COVID—or worse than being a Wells Fargo customer.
Being a forecaster has always been my dream job. It’s great to find a gig where getting it wrong all the time is “satisfactory work.” As such, I’ve come up with my own bingo card for 2023.
Feel free to peruse the list, randomly take some, and invent new entries so we can all play along this year.
My predictions for the months ahead:
1. Twitter files for bankruptcy protection. It turns out that a corporate culture akin to Thanksgiving dinner with an angry uncle doesn’t constitute a good business model.
2. Intelligent alien life appears in New York’s Central Park. Nobody notices.
3. The Federal Reserve moves rates to zero. After debating over a “soft” or “hard” landing, the economy plummets faster than David Hasselhoff’s career.
4. The Denver Broncos finish in first place. Yes, the venerable Broncos, ripe from their blockbuster trade with the Seattle Seahawks for quarterback Russell Wilson, finish in first place in 2023 after moving from the NFL to the Colorado State Community College League.
5. The SAFE Banking Act passes. After hearing for years that the SAFE Banking Act, which would protect financial institutions that serve legal cannabis accounts, is about to pass, it finally does. Of course, it gets wrapped up in court faster than you can say, “pass that Dutch.” But at least it’s progress.
6. A volcano erupts. It’s what volcanoes do.
7. Elon Musk erupts. It’s what he does even better than volcanoes.
8. Crypto crashes. After years of debate over whether this is “the new thing,” it’s discovered that bitcoin was invented as a joke by a bunch of drunk computer science majors who, ironically, are all rich and live in the Bahamas.
9. Stimulus continues. As the economy slows, a bipartisan stimulus plan is signed into law. However, given the realities of the debt burden, it amounts to just one $20 Applebee’s gift card per person.
10. An asteroid approaches. An asteroid buzzes the Earth, scaring everyone but doing no damage as it was mostly “cobbled together rock with no firm underpinning,” not unlike the owner of Twitter.
11. TikTok trend. TikTok takes control of social media with its new meme, “the death of TikTok.”
12. Zoom out. The Hague announces that the use of Zoom meetings is an affront to humanity. Especially early in the morning.
13. Snowstorm apocalypse. Meteorologists refer to at least three storms as “epic and paralyzing.” East Coast, 10 feet of new snow. Central Plains, 15 feet of snow and 80 mph winds. West Coast, an inadvertent snowflake in a long-range forecast.
14. Amazon World Cup. Amazon purchases the World Cup and makes it part of its Prime subscription service. Says Jeff Bezos, “I’m running out of things to buy.”
15. Recession. Call this the “free space” for 2023.
16. A new political party. With moderates fleeing both parties, the new “Anybody Else” party sweeps to wins throughout the U.S. in local and municipal elections.
17. Artificial intelligence goes crazy. A consumer in Florida accidentally starts a conversation between Siri, Google Assistant, and Alexa. Thirty-seven days later, they invent the next Twitter.
18. Bingo is a no-go. The readers of Credit Union Magazine name the 2023 “bingo card” the worst predictor of all time.
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